Welcome to this Friday 13th instalment of Amanda Zips It Up.

I’ll do my best to be cheerful in this issue, despite the whole Coronavirus situation, because everything seems pretty dark and depressing right now.

My other half has been emotionally kicked in the kahunas by the postponement of his beloved Arsenal’s fixture this week and as a DJ, we wonder how all the panic will affect clubland, festivals and social gatherings in general.

From a lifestyle perspective, I was wondering which ‘unusual social gatherings’ would take a hit as well?

Well, it appears that private orgies for the super-rich are going ahead, despite the coronavirus outbreak, but they’ll supply extra soap and sanitizer. Notorious club Snctm – reputed to attract A-list celebs and tycoons – has a sex party in LA this Saturday and another booked for Manhattan on April 11^th. The club, which originated in Beverly Hills, costs up to $900,000 a year for membership and vows that it won’t let the outbreak ruin its X-rated activities.

 The company is undertaking appropriate measures to sanitize the venues, screening those who plan on attending and supplying extra soap and sanitizer. Refunds are also being given to those who decide to not attend, no questions asked.

Those who have attended the orgies in the past wear erotic masks, because they are mandatory. Perhaps they’ll all be in medical masks this time. People crawl around on all fours, uninhibited about swapping fluids of all sorts, with condoms viewed as an optional extra. Apparently, there are bowls of them all around. 

The club has attained legendary status in America, after expanding to New York and Las Vegas following its runaway success in LA. It claims to create secret VIP events, featuring a mix of burlesque, masquerade, erotic theatre and sexual experimentation. Its website claims to offer members: “A safe and comfortable environment for personal exploration.”

The club’s dress code requires men to wear a tuxedo while women must wear “evening wear of lingerie”, which as a fashion blogger I find unfair, because I love wearing a tux.  Carefully vetted, beautiful women – who outnumber the guys by about three to one – pay nothing to be a member of the club. How is this happening in LA during the #METOO movement?

Anyway, onto this week’s instalment, and we look at a new dating app for less endowed men..

Imagine IKEA on acid with an Ibiza flavour, and you have the best shop on earth – Sluiz.

I discovered Sluiz Ibiza years ago, and not only did it re-create itself in Palma Mallorca, now it’s finally online for the whole world to grab a piece of quirky magic. 

I used to buy so much of the crazy homewares and fashion from this insane shop that I’d have to purchase another suitcase just to lug it all back to London. As well as wearing at least 3 Sluiz hats on the plane and carrying their bags on every available limb. For years, the plane was the only way of getting Sluiz stuff home London. However, now we can get Sluiz’s unique boho fashion and accessories delivered to wherever we are in the world.

The blue cows hanging from the trees outside Sluiz Ibiza and the doormat saying ‘FUCK OFF’ at the Palma store both point to the craziness that’s inside.

Their car park in Ibiza has parking signs to help you position your vehicle, with parking sections such as Big Boobs, ADHD, Gold-digger and Dr Dre, to name but a few.

Sluiz stocks the most jaw dropping collection of the beautiful, curious, wonderful, strange and the bizarre. But for me, it’s their collections of Spanish and worldwide independent designer clothing that makes Sluiz such a special shop.

The colours and vibrancy strike you first. From rainbow striped silk kaftans to pink faux fur coats, to yellow fedoras and purple Vivienne Westwood heels – these are just a few of the items I have bought from Sluiz.

If you’re in Ibiza, eat at the adjoining Sluiz café and you’ll soon realise that literally every section of the giant store is crammed with creepy china dolls, batty oil paintings, massive doll’s feet sticking through the ceiling, china teacups and ornate gold chairs. Yes, craziness and theatre permeates the whole place.

The same quirkiness is scattered throughout Sluiz in Palma too.  From the condoms to slightly altered well-known brands, such as Adildo, Tommy Middlefinger, Dolce&Banana and Suckers, through to their changing rooms entitled Sperm Bank and Bleached Anus. Suffice to say, Sluiz will have you sniggering quietly like naughty schoolgirl.

But, more than anything, they have nailed Balearic Boho chic, and now you can buy the latest collections online. Their quirky bags and satin jumpsuits are a must for 2020.

Here’s a selection of my current faves, which I’ll be ordering in time for the Balearic summer. Great prices can be found too, from the wholesale section.

www.sluizibiza.com

A dating site for men with small willies has launched and members MUST be under 5.5ins to apply.  (Note to self – why are phallus measurements always in inches and not in centimetres?) 

Dinky One is a dating site for guys with ‘small’ willies – and it already has almost 30,000 members – members with small members, shall we say?

Dinky One aims to ‘normalise’ men with a smaller manhood in a world with an increasing pressure to “measure up”. Your penis must be no longer than 5.5ins if you want to apply. I’d love to know who scooped the top job of deciding whether or not each guy qualifies.

It launched exclusively to match guys for whom “less is more” with partners who prefer those with fewer inches.

A spokesperson commented: “Body image is generally within your control but penis size is not, unless you get surgery. The internet is packed with false claims and products purporting to increase penis size. Many young men now think you need a 12-inch penis to satisfy your partner. This is not true.”

Dinky One began with 27,762 people — 27 per cent of whom are women.

A 36-year-old user said: “When you’re a smaller man, dating is complicated. Imagine when a relationship fails — she’s likely to mention your size to her friends, and then gossip spreads. You become paranoid. It’s therefore far better to date in an environment where everyone knows in advance.”

The site says: “There are women who prefer a smaller penis for comfort and there are women who enjoy the smaller man, as they tend to compensate with additional foreplay.”

According to NHS figures, most men in the UK will be eligible to join the site, as the average penis size is 5.1 inches. 

Cue the rush online, where rulers and tape measures are now selling out quicker than face masks and sanitizer gel.

 Don’t kid yourself. We all know that Aldi is a guilty pleasure – especially their dupes on famous beauty products, like Pixie. But these new pumps are the boldest dupe ever, and I have no idea how Vans aren’t consulting their lawyers right now.

Aldi is selling a pair of £6 trainers that look just like the iconic Vans that we see every teenager from London to Minnesota wearing, but at a tenth of the price.

It might be a favourite pit-stop for great quality groceries at budget prices – but now Aldi are also wowing in the wardrobe department. Even better, if you can’t make it to a shop, you can grab a pair online – paying just £2.95 for delivery.

Looking at the Aldi website, the shoes come in men’s and women’s sizes. In addition to black, they are available in pink and a teal with black option. You can also get your hands on a pair for your kiddies – priced at just £5.99.

According to the Vans website, the original was the “first to bear the iconic side stripe. What is now known as the ‘Vans Old Skool’ design is a low top, lace-up shoe. It is lined, has padded collars for support and flexibility, re-enforced toecaps to withstand repeated wear, and features the Vans signature waffle outsole for a firmer grip.”

I’ll let you test the Aldi versions to see if they match up to the Vans spec.

The iconic footwear will set you back £60: Vans

Aldi says ” An all-time favourite and wardrobe staple, Aldi has the whole family covered with its affordable range of Men’s and Ladies Trainers (£6.99) and Children’s Trainers (£5.99) available in Black, Pink and Teal.”

According to the actual Vans website, the original was the “first to bear the iconic side stripe. What is now known as the ‘Vans Old Skool’ design is a low top, lace-up shoe. It is lined, has padded collars for support and flexibility, re-enforced toecaps to withstand repeated wear, and features the Vans signature waffle outsole for a firmer grip.”

The shoes are available in stores, but you can already pre-order them now online.

Welcome to another week and here in North London, Camden High Street in particular, has become the UK’s very own walk of fame.

This week we have seen all the major artists from Camden, recognised with their own star – just like the Hollywood Walk of Fame. From Madness to Amy Whitehouse and today, DJ Judge Jules honours the band Soul II Soul, who made such in impact from Camden and beyond.

In a time of such doom and gloom, this is the tonic we all need.

This week we discover the Artist Davey Brown, Magic Jeans at M&S and how Eyeball tattoing is the new trend with a severe cost.

Unlike many, I have never understood the obsession with tattoos. Even less so, now that  inking your eyeballs has become a thing. Even if you go blind.

 I believe that many folk will regret some or all of their tats as they grow older. 

Nevertheless, they’re a “thing”, and his week during my fashion research, I’ve come across 5 stories about tattooing the whites of your eyes.

This particular obsessive forked out more than £30,000 on body modifications and claims she only found happiness after getting her eyeballs coloured blue – despite going temporarily blind.

She said: “My eyeballs caused me the most immense pain I’ve endured so far, but they’re worth it! “Every morning when I wake up and look at my eyeballs, it makes me happy because blue is my absolute favourite colour!”

 “I can’t even begin to describe to you what the feeling was like, the best thing I can give you is once the eyeball was penetrated with the ink, it felt like [the tattoo artist] grabbed 10 shards of glass and rubbed it in my eye.

 “If your eyeball procedure is done correctly, you’re not supposed to go blind at all. I was blind for three weeks. That was pretty brutal.”

Explaining how her love for tattoos developed, as she got older, she began to cover more of her body in ink, which now boasts a number of face tattoos and eyeball colouring. She even had her tongue split and had a silicone implant in her eye to look like a ‘pixie’.

The jury is out there – do you find this attractive or not?

It’s a no from me. The question is – will changing your body so radically make you truly happy?

I didn’t expect to be saying such a thing, but if you’ve been looking for a new pair of jeans then it’s time to pay Marks and Spencer a visit. 

Jeans can be flattering or very unflattering. The ascendancy of Topshop Skinny Jeans over Levis 501s meant we all looked slimmer in denim. As long as it was black denim, of course. Pale blue denim has long been a massive no.

In 2020: Introducing ‘Magic Jeans’ at M&S.

The Magic Jean gives you your best, most flattering fit, thanks to clever design details and innovative fabric technology. The new wardrobe staple comes in three authentic washes, black, indigo, and medium indigo, and two fits, classic skinny and a straight leg.

• Magic Jean, £39.50, Marks and Spencer  

The jeans are full of clever features for their most flattering fit yet, including innovative 360 control fabric, a no gape waistband, shaping darts to give an extra lift and a hidden front pocket for extra shape and support.

All jeans come in size 6 – 24, and will be available online and in store, priced at just £39.50.

Marks and Spencer have also moved to sourcing more sustainable cotton through partners including the Better Cotton Initiative. This means 100% off the cotton M&S uses has been ethically sourced.

There you go. I’ve recommended M&S for the first time. Will there be another?

I know that many of you are fans of music and art. Well, here’s someone who has made waves in both worlds. Davey Brown is a Newcastle-based artist who specialises in stylish, pop art portraits of music, sport and film legends. 

Davey spent time dabbling with various ideas and mediums, before settling on acrylics as his preferred choice of paint. He started off painting his favourite actors, footballers and DJs. Subjects such as Robert De Niro, Alan Shearer and Frankie Knuckles crystallised Davey’s interest in portrait art, and the rest is history.

Six exhibitions later and with a long list of clients, including a number of Premier League footballers and music stars, Davey Brown is an artist on the rise. An exhibition in Ibiza as part of the Primavera festival at Atzaro being among the highlights.

The next exhibition is already on tour, thus far reaching London, Kidderminster, Ibiza and Glasgow, after the launch in Newcastle which attracted 250 people. A host of top DJs have played at each leg.

The current exhibition is called ‘The History Of House’, featuring portraits of early US DJs such as Frankie Knuckles and Marshall Jefferson, pus the iconic clubs/parties, the whole Ibiza scene from the beginning and legendary UK DJs like Danny Rampling, Paul Oakenfold, Judge Jules and many more. Davey has a huge passion for House music, so it was only natural that he should use its icons as subject matter.

The Ibiza leg of the exhibition was held at Las Mimosas boutique hotel in San Antonio Bay, owned by Grupo Mambo. The Cafe Mambo team were right behind Davey in putting the show together – here is a BBC piece filmed at the exhibition, which was shown on the BBC national news and on BBC North East:

Davey has a further 24 UK dates added, plus more abroad including a return to Ibiza. The UK dates include the Brighton Music Conference, Clockstock, Hardwick Festival and This Is Our House. Full tour dates and venues are on Davey’s website.Despite the busy exhibition schedule, Davey is available for commissions for canvas paintings and wall murals. He is branching out into customising furniture, album covers, backdrops etc. Check out Davey’s work at www.daveybrownart.com and www.facebook.com/DaveyBrownArt

Sawasdee. That’s hello in Thai.

I’m back from Asian adventures, having visited what is now apparently a “danger zone”.

I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve been pretty nervous about this whole Coronavirus thing. Not that we were anywhere near China. But Thailand is still South East Asia, and simply walking through Bangkok airport was sinister enough, with absolutely everyone wearing face masks. Including me.

Typically, I bought one in every colour to match that day’s outfit, but obviously it’s a lot more serious than that. 2020 has certainly been a surreal year so far, with Social Media Suicide, Boris’ Brexit Bullshit and this awful virus – and it’s still only February. I’m praying that Spring and Summer bring some brighter tidings.

So, I’ve had a little (Asian) taste of Summer already, and prior to that I had to get my “beach body” ready. Which entailed diet, exercise and the obligatory Pedicure, in preparation for the mandatory flip flops.

But what happens if you don’t have time for that all important Pedi?

Are you concerned about having ugly feet this summer? If so, no worries, we’ve got you covered. 

Check this out, which I posted on my socials to HUGE response – people genuinely believed these ‘real feet slides’ actually exist. I feel compelled to properly credit the creators, since I’ve had a lot of people asking. They’re made by a group called Prosthetic Silicone Skins.

Let’s crack on with this instalment of Amanda Zips It Up as we discover beautiful fabric conditioner, learn why the “pout is out” and investigate how Primark has the official Kardashian stamp of approval.

As the world’s Queen of selfies, Kim Kardashian never has a hair out of place, and much of the time it’s thanks to her hair stylist, Andrew Fitzsimons.

And now everyone can give their hair the same treatment, as the A-list hairdresser has collaborated with Primark, to launch a budget hair care range. 

The Dublin-born stylist announced his collaboration with Primark last week, revealing he had put his “heart and soul” into creating a line that was accessible to all. Sharing the news on Instagram, he wrote: “My biggest goal was to blow the doors off the hair industry and open it up to ALL women, ALL, hair types, ALL ages at a price EVERYONE can afford.

The AF collection, which is now available in stores nationwide, includes both products and tools to ensure that you look Insta ready.

Kylie Jenner shared the products on her own Instagram Story, congratulating the stylist.

And with prices starting at just £2 you can afford to experiment. Amongst the products is the #PrimarkXAF luxurious hair oil, £3.50, which promises to give you frizz-free shine.

For anyone harbouring any doubts, Andrew revealed that he already uses the products on Kardashian hair. “Khloe is such a fun client and just loves the glam. “I use my Primark x AF Texture Spray to take her hair from flat to instant volume.”  If it’s good enough for the Kardashians….

Also happening at Primark in 2020, Brides-to-be are going wild after the store launched a bridal section, selling key wedding essentials.

Snaps of the new collection have been ‘excitedly’ shared online, featuring party accessories, lingerie and nightwear with intelligent slogans such as ‘bride to be’.

There’s a fairly decent kid’s wedding outfit section too, so that littleuns can wear the dress just for one day and spill everything down it, at only £8.

While prices haven’t been revealed for the entire range, it’s assumed that Primark will be sticking with its signature affordable deals.