There was no escaping this story over the last couple of weeks, so it had to be Zipped Up.
We’re talking Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop” website. Following her advice on Vaginal steaming, Vaginal Jade Eggs, £10,000 Dildos and Sex Dust, Gwynnie’s obsession with the vagina continues.
Gwyneth has made a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina. It is priced at £58, which makes me conclude that Gwyneth is under-pricing her vagina, because a Jo Malone grapefruit candle is more expensive. And the vagina candle has sold out.
As many women will be aware, occasionally there are problems in “that” department. Whilst most can be fixed with a dose of Canesten, Gwyneth’s vagina problem, in classic Gwyneth fashion, ended up costing her £110,00 in legal costs. That was in 2018, when her near-notorious wellness company, Goop, was fined under California’s Civil Penalties laws for making “unsubstantiated” marketing claims about the company’s jade egg. It turns out, disappointingly, that shoving a random object up your vagina won’t balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles or increase bladder control.
In fact, a gynaecologist wrote an open letter to Gwyneth which went viral, suggesting that an unwashed egg shoved inside you could cause toxic shock syndrome. Nevertheless, it is still for sale on goop.com, for £60. Although after that legal unpleasantness, inscribed next to it on the site are: “Eggs are pre-drilled for string add-on, we recommend using unwaxed dental floss.” The mind does truly boggle.
I bet you’re wondering: what does Gwyneth’s vagina smell like? According to the candle blurb, it is a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”, a mix of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed”. To which one must surely conclude: Gwyneth sure does spend a lot of time examining her own odours to have picked up on all that.