Welcome to the longest month ever. We’re still in January. Still dieting and abstaining. Still broke until we get paid. And it’s getting colder everywhere.  Sounds like song lyrics, doesn’t it?

As per the last two instalments of Zips It Up, we’re here to try and brighten up your week and enlighten you with some Valentine gift ideas.

And here’s another which will definitely make you smile. Especially if you’re a fan of The Simpsons.

You can now turn you and your loved ones YELLOW with www.turnedyellow.com and immortalise yourselves as Simpsons characters in a framed picture. Could this be the best present ever!

As one option, you can re-create Homer and Marge’s lounge in a ‘Valentine theme’, i.e. lots of red and pink love hearts, with you and your other half sat on the famous sofa.

All you have to do is go to the website, upload a photo of you (plus partner or family), perhaps on a graduation or another special occasion and Turned Yellow will transport you to Springfield and ‘Simpsonise’ you.

The company have nothing to do with the actual Simpsons, so I have no idea what the legal complications are, but if you check out the reactions of those who’ve created pictures of themselves as yellow characters, you’ll see what an absolutely genius idea it is.

Anyway, let me know if any of you try this out.

Onto this week’s edition, and I invite you to look twice at the “Kate Moss” story, explore which supermarket Beyoncé is partial to, and if you thought the smell of last week’s vagina candles was bad, check out the new perfume I’ve tracked down.

Last weekend, annoyingly, I damaged my new year cleanse, devouring a delicious Lamb Biryani at my favourite Indian restaurant, Dashoom in Kings Cross.

If you’ve ever tucked into mouthwatering Indian food (and by Indian, I mean South Asian staples in general) and loved it so much you wished it was a daily occurrence, then I have good news. You can now smell of your favourite biryani.

A digital artist based between Pakistan and London, aptly named My Curry is Popping on Twitter, is in talks with the appropriate “smell” people about launching a biryani perfume. The 22-year-old designer, working on the prototype of a flavoured rice based fragrance, posted it on his socials and the image quickly went viral, being shared among Bollywood stars and politicians.

I don’t know if I’d actually wear Le Biryani perfume.  Fried onion isn’t the most desirable smell – but who says you have to wear the scent on yourself? Perhaps you can lure guests over with the promise of delightful Indian cuisine and spritz some Le Biryani about the place, tricking your diners into thinking you’re a South Asian gourmet chef? Then bring out an M&S ready-to-eat Korma.

For good measure, Le Biryani has also added a hint of aloo potato to the fragrance. The designer said: ‘Aloo is there because I prefer my biryani with aloo – I don’t know if there’s any other way.’ 

He has been in talks with a few fragrance businesses in order to commercially market the perfume, however it is just as an exhibition piece for now.

Though certainly quirky, this idea isn’t anything new – fast-food chains such as KFC and Bird’s Eye have been getting in on the scented action. But I’m not sure I’d want to leave the house smelling of chicken and gravy.  There are too many hungry urban foxes in my neighbourhood to take that chance. 

SainsBey.

Beyoncé has been scolded by supermarket chain Sainsbury’s, after she was accused of “stealing their style”.

Yes, fans couldn’t help but compare the 38-year-old star’s latest Ivy Park collection to the iconic uniform worn by Sainsburys staff.

The latest in the icon’s fashion line reveals an orange and maroon colour palette that’s almost identical to the British company’s uniform – which in fairness, she probably has no idea even exists. However, Sainsbury’s felt that it was time to put the singer in her place, taking to Twitter to make it known who the original trendsetters were.

Sharing a snap of a member of staff in his uniform with “the original” emblazened in bright orange, Sainsbury’s wrote: “Repping since 1869” alongside a wink emoji and adding the hashtag #SainsBey.

It’s fair to say, I can clearly see the similarity, and now I can’t “unsee” its comparison to Bey’s new collection, which launched earlier this week. So, whenever I spoit Beyoncé’s new Ivy Park line, all I’ll think about is her working a 12- 5 shift at Sainsburys, scanning items at checkout number 15.

Beyoncé previously said of her Ivy Park clothing brand: “My goal with Ivy Park is to push the boundaries of athletic wear to support and inspire women who understand that beauty is more than your physical appearance. True beauty is in the health of our minds, hearts and bodies. I know that when I feel physically strong, I am mentally strong and I wanted to create a brand that made other women feel the same way.”

Yawn.

Neither Beyonce nor her people have commented on the line’s uncanny resemblance to Sainsburys.

Denise Ohnona is a professional Kate Moss lookalike, and walked the runway for the Vetements fashion show. She looks like Kate Moss, pouts like Kate Moss and owns the catwalk like Kate too, but a double take reveals that she is nevertheless a “Fake Moss”.

Denise was helping inject some celebrity lookalike glamour into the Vetements fashion show in Paris. She was in good company, on the catwalk too were lookalikes for Mike Tyson, Naomi Campbell and Snoop Dogg.

Guram Gvasalia, who co-founded Vetements in 2014, said “I would have loved to have the real Naomi, but as a young company, I am afraid we cannot afford it.”

The real Kate Moss was in Paris too at the weekend – at a Dior show across the city. She celebrated her 46th birthday this week with a low-key celebration with her boyfriend, Count Nikolai Von Bismarck, and her 17-year-old daughter, Lila Grace.

And it seems her daughter is following in her famous mum’s footsteps as she launches her own modelling career. She has become the face of Marc Jacobs Beauty in her very first modelling job and also featured in mum’s boyfriend’s book, The Dior Sessions.

Kate herself has had one of the most successful modelling careers ever. It has netted her a rumoured £55million fortune, and she launched her own modelling agency four years ago. Stars already signed up include Rita Ora and Game of Thrones Gwendoline Christie.

Oh No, it’s mid–January, officially the most depressing time of the year.

Whether you’re doing Dry January, Veganuary or Janu hairy, there’s no denying it’s grim out there. Well, it certainly is from the vista of the Zips It Up office here in London.

Around this time of year, I tend to start day-dreaming about upcoming tropical holidays or focusing on Valentines Day. It’s only a month away and following last week’s feature on Rhianna’s Savage x Fenty Lingerie collection, I thought I’d bring you another Valentine’s gift idea.

‘Pourings Of Love’ by Samantha Hurst is a touching collection of romantic quotes and poems, likely to make that special person in your life melt.

Samantha is a mental health coach, artist and author. She fell in love and began writing prolific poems, attracting a lot of attention on her social media platforms. She felt compelled to share all her outpourings of love and published this book.

In an era when we have finally taken the blinkers off regarding mental health awareness, Samantha’s heart-warming collection of words could prove to be a hugely positive possession for you or your beloved.

Available at Left Bank Six, 55 Elm Road, Leigh-On-Sea, Essex SS9 1SP

Amazon – £10.99

On to this week’s instalment of Zips It Up and we discuss the Goop Vagina Candle, Ski Chic and give you the heads up on what we’ll be wearing in summer 2020.

The fashion trends for spring summer 2020 already have me geed up for the return of warmer weather and longer days. And if the New York, London, Paris and Milan catwalks are anything to go by, this might just be the chicest season we’ve seen in years.

Whether you religiously overhaul your wardrobe each time the weather starts to turn, or just like to be across what’s going on in the fashion world, look no further for a zip-up of what the biggest designers are buzzing about right now.

From the colours and prints having a 2020 ‘moment’, to the ‘It’-pieces you’ll want to invest in ahead of time, here’s a roundup of the nine biggest trends set to dominate spring/summer.

Shirt Dresses

Fit for the office or spontaneous trips to the Balearics, the shirt dress is a summer wardrobe staple for a reason: it’s versatile, classy and timeless. Opt for a classic white oversized style or, alternatively, add some zest to the look by selecting a pastel hue or print. Ice-cream tones with subtle pinstripe lines in different directions is an instant winner too.

Victorian Necklines

Call it the Little Women effect but 2020 is set to be a year-long homage to the Victoriana. High necklines on billow-sleeved blouses and prairie dresses, coupled with intricate button detailing, will be the order of the day and we don’t forget to pair them with Doc Martin boots.

Shorts Suits

Meet the summer-approved alternative to your beloved oversized trouser suit: the short suit. Stick with utilitarian styles in neutral tones with oversized pockets and you can’t go wrong.

Ankle Chains

It’s time to channel your inner noughties and bring back some ankle bling. Forget tiny woven string and beaded pieces, this season it’s all about flashing that statement gold and silver hardwear. Better still, buy shoes that have them built into the strap for instant chic. Wear with understated co-ords, and finish with a vintage jacket.

Denim Dresses

The ‘70s revival is only getting stronger, with Studio 54 vibes slowly but surely taking over the catwalk. Uncertain how to wear the look? Think Farrah Fawcett-era Charlie’s Angels, when fitted silhouettes, big hair and platform heels were all the rage. Or swap the sky-high shoes for retro Nike trainers to make the denim one-piece look just as effortless during the day.

There was no escaping this story over the last couple of weeks, so it had to be Zipped Up.

We’re talking Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop” website. Following her advice on Vaginal steaming, Vaginal Jade Eggs, £10,000 Dildos and Sex Dust, Gwynnie’s obsession with the vagina continues.

Gwyneth has made a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina. It is priced at £58, which makes me conclude that Gwyneth is under-pricing her vagina, because a Jo Malone grapefruit candle is more expensive. And the vagina candle has sold out.

As many women will be aware, occasionally there are problems in “that” department. Whilst most can be fixed with a dose of Canesten, Gwyneth’s vagina problem, in classic Gwyneth fashion, ended up costing her £110,00 in legal costs. That was in 2018, when her near-notorious wellness company, Goop, was fined under California’s Civil Penalties laws for making “unsubstantiated” marketing claims about the company’s jade egg. It turns out, disappointingly, that shoving a random object up your vagina won’t balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles or increase bladder control. 

In fact, a gynaecologist wrote an open letter to Gwyneth which went viral, suggesting that an unwashed egg shoved inside you could cause toxic shock syndrome. Nevertheless, it is still for sale on goop.com, for £60.  Although after that legal unpleasantness, inscribed next to it on the site are: “Eggs are pre-drilled for string add-on, we recommend using unwaxed dental floss.” The mind does truly boggle.

I bet you’re wondering: what does Gwyneth’s vagina smell like? According to the candle blurb, it is a “funny, gorgeous, sexy and beautifully unexpected scent”, a mix of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed”. To which one must surely conclude: Gwyneth sure does spend a lot of time examining her own odours to have picked up on all that.

If, like me, you do the school run in your gym kit, then it’s time to switch things up and change to ski-wear.

You know something’s up when Sweaty Betty, one of the first stores to realise the revenue potential of gym-kit mums, puts skiwear in several of its 50-odd shop windows nationwide. Much fitness wear seldom makes it to the gym, and now chic skiwear — from colourful sweaters with après ski slogans to fine-knit polo-necks and bold leggings — is starting to filter into the everyday.

Topshop, Boden, ASOS and H&M all now stock skiwear, and we’re not talking bulky, yeti-style cover-ups. It’s all about sleek, chic and slim-fitting clothes, designed to be equally wearable off the slopes.

Designers are plundering all the decades for inspiration, especially the Sixties, and this year’s skiwear just got sexy. I love Perfect Moment’s checked jumpsuit, which looks like something Bond girl Diana Rigg might have worn in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. In the Seventies, flared salopettes, quilting, faux fur and bold, bright, graphic colours became popular. Topshop’s colour-block ski trousers and Asos’s high-waisted salopettes have just that vibe.

Move over Uggs and Asics, because Moon boots are also having a renaissance, with sales up 100 per cent and celebrities including Claudia Schiffer and Kylie Jenner donning the retro footwear. Meanwhile, Sorel offers the snow boot of choice for Elle Macpherson, Victoria Beckham and the Duchess of Cambridge, among others.

And, if you’re in any doubt as to the relevance of the skiwear trend, next time you’re out, count the number of puffer jackets you see. The streets are awash with them.

• Left: Sweater, £325, chintiand parker.com; Trousers, £540, perfectmoment.com; Boots, £135, sorelfootwear.co.uk; Goggles, £475, moncler.com. Second left: Cashmere tracksuit, £495, tabithawebb.co.uk; Sweater (over shoulders), £230, essentiel-antwerp.com; Boots, £80, moonboot.com. Third left: Ski suit, £1,070, perfect moment.com; Roll-neck, £109, falke.com; Goggles, £475, moncler.com; Boots, £231, and skis, £445, ellis-brigham.com. Third right: Jumper, £99, hush-uk.com; Leggings, £65, sweatybetty.com; Boots, £109, massimo dutti.com; Scarf, £175, dorothee-schumacher.com. Second right: Top and leggings, both £65, sweaty betty.com; Boots, £80, moonboot.com; Cashmere socks, £39.99, sockshop.co.uk; Hat, £95, Grevi at fenwick.co.uk; Ski poles, £22, ellis-brigham.com. Right: Coat, £319, baumund pferdgarten.com; Leggings, £59, falke.com; Boots, £135, sorelfootwear.co.uk

Welcome to 2020, and our brand-new decade. I hope you all had a relaxing break – here’s to another year of fashion and lifestyle stories, zipped up for you every week, right here.

So far this year, Australia is literally on fire with half a billion animals perishing, Harry and Meghan have quit the Royal Family and Trump has tried hard to start World War 3. A nice simple way to ease into January.

Awards season kicked off with a brutal Ricky Gervais ripping the guts out of the Hollywood Elite, and the formidable JLO lost her crown as the world’s sexiest woman by turning up at the Golden Globes dressed as a Quality Street chocolate.

But let’s concentrate with new fashion happenings.

Every once in a while, a fashion trend comes along that’s so terrible, it renders me absolutely speechless. Denim panties, courtesy of a brand called Ssense, are one such product. Just when you thought jeans and underwear were two separate entities, they’ve been combined for 2020.

JANTIES.

Forget jeggings, janties are the new unnecessary hybrid clothing product in town. Combining the comfort of underwear and the… rough denim-ness of jeans (?) into one strange and yeast infection-inducing piece of fabric.

They’re mid-rise and come complete with button closure, belt loops, and pockets. These features are presumably intended to be a selling point, but they just leave one with more unanswered questions.

I can’t imagine wearing jeans under my jeans… or under anything else for that matter. They’re obviously not swimwear because they’re not marketed as such, and who would go swimming in jeans anyway? 

You’d expect that a novelty product like denim panties would have to be reasonably priced to take-off? They’re inappropriate, uncomfortable to wear and unsightly to boot. And get this – these suckers are being sold by Ssense for around £200.

So, as we enter a thus-far mental new decade, I’ll leave you to ponder whether to extract your credit card for the above (or not). In this instalment, we discover beauty trends for 2020 and learn how my favourite high-end designer Gucci kicks off 2020 with an epic fail.

Happy New Year. 

So, what can we expect in 2020 when it comes to beauty trends?

After much research, these are the key new looks for the brand-new decade. Laminated eyebrows, overdrawn lips and hair that looks like you just got out of bed are some of the hottest beauty trends for the coming year. 

Also, matte-finish foundation, cream blush and exaggerated lip liner are making a comeback just in time for Spring / Summer. But this time you’ll need to draw the parameter of your pout a few shades lighter than your lipstick. 

Here are the top 6 looks.

HALF-UP HALF-DOWN HAIR

1. Since Beyonce proclaimed to have ‘woken up like this’ in 2013, demand for ‘no makeup, makeup’ looks and effortless ‘bed head’ hairstyles has skyrocketed. The trend is set to continue in 2020, when half-up half-down top knots and ponytails will start to emerge. The Hun – half bun – is a good start.

BRUSHED-OUT BROWS

• Fluffy, brushed-out eyebrows will replace the ultra-polished ‘block’ brow of 2019. Women are achieving this highly defined look with a treatment which involves ‘laminating’ brows for a fuller, thicker texture, by applying a solution and pushing hair upwards so all strands are facing the same way. The practice, which is believed to have originated in Russia, is already wildly popular across Europe. The process takes less than 50 minutes and costs around £100 per session, on average.

 EXAGGERATED LIPS

• Exaggerated, overdrawn lips are making a comeback – but this time round, you’ll need to draw the parameter of your pout with liner a few shades lighter than your lipstick itself. The slightly overdrawn lip is set to be the order of the season this summer, giving the illusion of plumper, fuller lips with a softly defined cupid’s bow. Shades like sand, caramel and nude are on trend for the coming season, which is great news for your bank balance because these versatile hues go with almost any lip colour.

MATTE FOUNDATION

• While powder-based, matte foundation is associated with a caked, heavy and lacklustre finish, a new wave of liquid matte formulas spread across the skin like butter, creating a soft, creamy complexion that mimics real skin. Low-sheen, satin finish foundations are a great option for anyone with large pores or oily skin, thanks to their low content of oil and other pore-clogging ingredients.

CREAM BLUSH

• Hailed by beauty journalists as the ‘quickest trick for faking dewy, youthful radiance’, cream blush is back, offering more deeply defined cheekbones and shimmering complexions than ever before. Unlike powders and pigments, which are prone to caking, cream blush blends easily and sinks gently into the face, creating a seamless finish that looks like natural skin.

GLITTER EYESHADOW AND CUT CREASES

• Retro eyeshadow, inspired by the early 1970s disco era, is enjoying a rebirth, with bright pops of colour like blue and purple, smudged kohl eyeliner and all-over glitter some of the biggest styles for the coming year. The over-the-top trend means beauty lovers can get creative with their makeup – so applying eyeshadow with your finger is also acceptable for the first time in years. The striking ‘cut crease’, which involves using different shades of eye shadow to cut across the eyelid, creating a sharp contrast in colour, is set to be the statement look of 2020.